Amy and the Great World

It’s insane writing that title and knowing that I am a mom. And it’s even crazier that my baby is SIX months old (as of last Saturday!).

Also, side note–this post originally had the title “one month of motherhood” then switched to “two months of motherhood”…at around the four-month mark I decided six months would be my goal. So that’s where I’m at!

I’ve always struggled with expectations–and not just being too high. With parenting, my expectations were…dead low, actually. I really was not sure I ever wanted to be a parent, and for much of my pregnancy I was angry that I even was pregnant. I wanted to stay in Budapest. I wanted to stay in our lovely little flat. I didn’t want to put my job or career on hold. I didn’t want to feel obligated to live closer to family, and I didn’t really enjoy much about pregnancy. Even in childbirth, my midwife kept saying “Just get through this! Then you get to be a MOM!” and although I don’t think I really responded because let’s face it, words are hard in labor, I just kept thinking “I DON’T WANT TO BE A MOM! THIS IS NOT WORTH THE PAIN!” Even my husband, who knows me well, told her to tell me that I would get to stop being pregnant instead. That worked better!!

Now that my daughter is here…I absolutely LOVE being her mother. I am forever grateful that somehow this sweet, fun, adorable, spunky, smart, gorgeous little soul is ours. I was so worried about everything that would be gone from my life after she was here, but I don’t actually feel that way at all. They say your heart has room enough to keep adding space, and I found this to be completely true. My daughter has taken nothing from my life, only added to it. Maybe I’m not still living in Europe, chasing my travel dreams, but I’m more at peace knowing that I still want those things, and now I get to bring my little girl with me.

first plane ride at four months! 

She amazes me every day. Her eyelashes are so long! Her dimples are the cutest thing. Her laugh makes me laugh without fail. Her smile lights up her whole face–and lights up the room. Her brain is constantly working! She spends so much time minutely examining everything, figuring out how things work, just like her daddy. Her hairline is hilarious with a persistent bald patch. She is such a happy baby and already an indispensable member of our little crew.

Although six months in, I still love motherhood every day, it’s not all rainbows. And not just the daily frustrations, like the lack of sleep and the ten billion diapers, but my own physical and mental health has suffered since welcoming my little A.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to address this on the blog, and I wasn’t sure I was ready to do it quite yet–but I’m diving in. Two days after my daughter was born, after a traumatic birth, postpartum anxiety hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d been well-educated on postpartum depression, and had several friends reach out to me during pregnancy, sharing their own experiences. But the fear and anxiety were like nothing I had ever known. I credit these friends and my education, however, for helping me see the signs right away, and telling my doctor. I credit the myriad of other people who shared their stories–everyone from my lactation consultation, my amazing doctor, various nurses, friends and friends’ moms, for helping me feel not so alone. My doctor immediately put me in touch with a postpartum group at the hospital, validated all of my feelings, and recommended medication. The next two weeks were some of the worst of my life. Here I was with a precious new baby, and all I felt was anxiety and shame and sadness. I still feel a pit in my stomach that I wasn’t able to just soak up those first days with her–I will never get those back

Luckily, the medication began to help after a few weeks, my hormones leveled out, I was able to sleep a bit (thanks to pumping/my husband, a true co-parent), and I began to recover from my host of health issues leftover from my delivery. I found the joy in parenting and in my daughter, and now I love her so much I hate to even be away from her to shower. Seeing her grow and smile and live is so amazing, and I am trying my best to soak up every moment (although I don’t always succeed).

The main reason I’m sharing this is so other new moms out there aren’t afraid to reach out. You should not have to suffer. You will be a better, happier mother when you get help. So if you’re struggling–reach out! Send me an email or DM me on Instagram, tell your doctor/baby’s doctor/midwife/husband/boyfriend/best friend/mother. I know that every person who shared their story with me gave me the strength to seek out the help I really, really needed.