Tales from the ESL Classroom

Teaching children and adults alike how to speak, read and write English can be difficult, stressful, exhausting, FUN and hilarious. I’ve been jotting down some of my students’ best quotes since I started teaching in September…all anonymous, of course!

— While hearing me discuss a parent who was about to have a baby, one of my six-year-olds asked, “Miss Amy? Is that baby really going to pop out of that lady? Like popcorn? Like KABOOM?” (mimes explosion and blood splatters). All prompted by me saying “she’s about to pop!”

— Student: “Miss Amy? Is it me, or are we holding hands?”   Me: “Um yes you two are holding hands, it’s not in your head?”  Student: “What does it mean when I said that, though?”

— Kindergarten has been going for about 20 minutes when one little boy suddenly gasps and says “OH NO!” When I go over to investigate, he pulls his “new pet” out of his pocket–a very dead grasshopper. Class was disrupted for a solid fifteen minutes while we safely put the grasshopper out the window for him to “pick up later.”

— While playing a game that involves naming different animals, all of the children are quiet for a moment when I show them a picture of a rooster. One girl, suddenly, gives me a big beaming smile and says “It’s a big, beautiful cock!” A perfectly acceptable answer yet somewhat hilarious to an American English speaker.

—“Hello, Miss Cookie!” Most of the preschoolers seem to confuse me with our class puppet, Cookie the Cat.

—“Today, pork!” Said an adult student when asked how he was doing that day.

— Student: “I cried so much because I lost my hamster.”   Me: “Oh no! She’s gone?!”   Student: “Huh? No, like, she wasn’t there at camp.”   Me: “Oh you missed your hamster!”   Student:”That’s what I said.”

— I learned early on while teaching “kid-writing” (simply letting the children write out the sounds without forcing the spelling) has it’s pitfalls when I asked the children to write “come here” in kid-writing. A little girl, in her pink Frozen shirt complete with a ruffled skirt, held up her whiteboard triumphantly with…well, you can guess what she wrote.

— While practicing conditionals, one student wrote “If I could change one thing about my life, I would change this situation.” Immediately concerned the student meant our class, I asked more questions, until finally the student commented, “I just have not one thing I would change about my life!”

— “You’ve been to Los Angeles? Have you met Katy Perry?” asks every Czech teenager ever.

— “I know the president of America! It’s Bombom Obombom!” Not bad for a Czech five-year-old.

— “Sweden is expensive to go to yes. But some things are cheaper in Sweden. Sea monsters are cheaper in Sweden.” (Meaning, seafood).

— (overheard exchange between several kindergarteners): Student A: “Why did you not lie?”   Student D:”Because when you lie you die.” (Can you tell we’re learning about rhyming?)

— “When I was a child, I thought I wanted to be a serial killer. They get so famous.” –one of my adult students who could kill me with his pinky.

— “Miss Amy! He’s in the toilet! He’s in the toilet!” Meaning, he was taking too long in the stall.

— “You is TOO pig, D.” One girl’s brilliant comeback to her nemesis–said while pointing at a picture of a pig.

— Me: “Can you use word ‘do’ in a sentence?”   Student: “I do Miss Amy!”   Me: “Good God no, don’t say that.”

— When shown a picture of an ax and asked “What is this?,” the responses are (from four different students): “Hammer!” “Fire!” “Ranch!” and the best, “Death!”

— When one child went to her grandfather’s funeral, one response from a classmate was: “You got to see a body dead? THAT IS MY DREAM WISH!”

— “I splashed the toilet Miss Amy! I promise.” After a long discussion, the translation for splash turned out to be flush. (Also, generally I do not ask if they flush the toilet, so I’m not sure why in this incident I needed reassurance).

Do you have any experience with language barriers? Any funny stories to share? 

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