All of these unfortunate lessons have happened to me a dear friend so I have it on good authority this is how NOT to travel.
but you SHOULD always travel with peanut butter.
1. Do NOT get locked in a bathroom on a bus. It will cause a commotion when they try to unlock you, partially because you can’t speak their language and they can’t figure out why you can’t get out. Especially when it’s a night bus and everyone else is trying to sleep.
2. Try NOT to watch a horror movie on no sleep, after many hours of stressful travel, and then proceed to pass out on the ferry. You will wake up, already confused because you’re in a foreign land, but also terrified from the nightmare.
3. Do NOT go near WebMD.com while you’re traveling (or really, ever, because their only answer is CANCER or GO TO THE ER THIS INSTANT).
4. Do NOT pet the cute furry dog. It will try to bite you, and it might succeed, and then you might need rabies shots. In a foreign country.
except this one. you can pet this one and carry it like a baby. it’s all a judgement call.
5. Do NOT think the cute monkey watching you wants to be your friend. It WILL steal your big of chips, open them, and then eat them slowly while watching you. (Rabies also applies here, too!).
6. Do NOT wear cheap flip flops when walking the streets of Thailand. They do NOT have sidewalks, just tile, and you WILL fall when it rains because said flip flops have zero traction. Maybe you will not be able to get up because of your backpack, and the five sweet ladies attempting to help you will maybe drop you back onto the ground, after being defeated by the heavy bulk of your backpack (and maybe your bulk too, because it’s Thailand and to them you are a giant).
7. Do NOT forget to pee before getting on a long bus ride. You do NOT know where the next bathroom stop is. You’ve been warned.
8. Do NOT buy the cheap, cheap, cheap ticket every single time because sometimes, you will get on an overnight bus that’s supposed to be four hours, and try to sleep, and be scared to touch a floor of unidentified liquids. And then your sweater-being-used-as-a-pillow will fall on the floor and you will use it anyway, because it’s the only way you can sleep.
9. Do NOT think that just because a spider has not moved in awhile, it means that it is dead.
10. Do NOT forget to check your shoes in a sketchy hotel, because sometimes cockroaches like to go in there.
11. Do NOT get mad when the “fancy European hotel” you are staying in feels like a hotbox. Throwing your towels around in a rage will not help this.
12. Do NOT think that winking at a cabbie in Cuzco is a cute joke. He WILL follow you thinking you were making all sorts of promises you never intended to make nor did you realize you were accidentally making.
13. Do NOT forget to learn important words in the language of the country, or you may accidentally proposition someone for sex in front of your host father.
14. Do NOT think it’s okay to think it will be funny to say “I don’t know” in a foreign language class when asked what color underwear you are wearing, because you might accidentally say “I’m not wearing any” which will haunt you for the rest of your trip.
15. Do NOT take a bus to Machu Picchu, take the train. Otherwise, be prepared to pray, or wish, or pee, or whatever you do when faced with utter terror.
16. Do NOT assume the wetness on the floor of your shared hostel bathroom is water. It probably isn’t.
17. Do NOT think that it will not matter if your backpack is so stuffed it is crooked. It will especially matter on the back of a motorcycle taxi.
18. Do NOT think it’s a good idea to wear a white tank top when visiting a place known for its “red dust.”
19. Do NOT think it’s a good idea to buy cute, Thai-style pants with a crotch that goes down to your ankles and then try to ride an elephant.
20. Do NOT be surprised when you go to a place called “Happy Pizza” and there is a certain herb all up in your cheese.
21. Beware of winery tours. You will drink too much, and you will buy too.many.bottles of fancy wine.
The happy face of a wino with many new bottles of wine. This will not last. But those bottles will still be good.
22. Do NOT try to speak a tonal language when you aren’t 100% sure of what you are saying. You could be going around thinking you are calling everything “beautiful” when in fact you are saying “that’s crap.”
23. Do NOT consent to being given a nickname in a foreign language that makes anyone chuckle. Soon you will be the main joke of the village, and you will be introduced in front of an entire school with a dramatic pause followed by much laughter. And you will probably never find out what is so funny about this nickname, anyway, and their excuse will be “it’s cultural, you wouldn’t get it.”
24. Do NOT assume the pinkish, tofu-like substance you are eating is actually tofu.
25. Do NOT think that spraying a line of ants with your shower head will actually make them go away. This will in fact only make them multiply. They’re coming back for revenge, people.
26. Do NOT expect your hair to respond well to humidity, especially after its long, dry life. It won’t. It will seem like it hates you. But really, it loves you and is thankful for some moisture, so just go with it. I embraced it and I TOTALLY rocked it…right?
27. Those cute “jumping pictures” are not for everyone. See below.
28. Do NOT assume all comfort food will taste the same. Check it and see.
29. Do NOT think the baby elephant is trying to be your friend. It might be playing but it could kill you if it wanted.
don’t mistake the smile. I was very, very nervous.
30. Do NOT get so involved taking pictures of your cute table set up, complete with candles, that you fail to notice when a fire has started.
before the infamous fire.
31. BEWARE of wear cute floppy hats on the beach. This might happen (or worse):
Consider yourself better prepared: avoid all these things and you’ll rock it!
whoa girl, that’s a lot of don’ts 🙂 But I have to admit they all sound smart – even if resisting the temptation to pet that cute puppy might be nearly impossible!
THAT puppy was okay to pet 😉 thanks for reading! I know there are a lot of these but hey, if i can help one person avoid any of these situations…why not! thanks for reading!!
I’m sure he has a doppelganger somewhere that we shouldn’t pet 😉 I think every traveler can find a few useful pointers here!
Oh wow – these are hilarious. I’ve done so many of these before. Very good advice, especially on the shoes. Bugs love shoes.
I’m glad you can relate! When my mother read this post she told me this things happen to no one else…but then again, she’s never had to shower with a cockroach 😉 thank you so much for reading!!!
I love this post Amy! I was literally laughing out loud at a heap of them because I have been in the same situations! The cute animals but risk of rabies always freaks me out! Glad I found your blog through your comment of mine 🙂
Carly
Thank you so much for reading! 🙂 I’m glad you can relate to this post! I’m happy to know that some of these weird things happen to other people…not that I would wish finding a cockroach in a shoe on my worst enemy 😉
These are absolutely hilarious!! I need to start writing down strange things that happen on my travels, otherwise I’ll forget them!
I should start writing them down too…these are just the ones I could remember…and that seemed appropriate for a blog 😉 Thank you so much for reading!!!